-.- ... Christmas....

[nova_myth]

Well its two days away, the big holiday that everyone knows and loves... and I am so very much alone. Those who I consider my family (my best friend's family) are up in Kentucky while I'm stuck in Texas. Between now and summer is a depressing time of year for me. So many dates that make my heart ache. Because I lost my mother to cancer.

Christmas was our holiday, we didn't celebrate it with anyone else but my friends, our relations with relatives strained. Its my first Christmas back in my home town in three years and it hurts. It hurts so very much, and my house-mate made it so much worse. She some how convinced her mother, my landlord, that I don't believe in Christmas. I don't celebrate Christmas, I just don't do it bah humbug.  The amount of lies she had to piled stagers me because her mother has seen me during Christmas, two years ago. 


My best friends mom, who is pretty much my second mom, gave me words of adviced today. I couldn't do it anymore, ignoring the pain and I had to talk to the closest person who would understand. I didn't want to, she lost her father to cancer too but on Christmas Eve of all days, but I couldn't take it. I nearly broke down crying on the phone. I'll be charging up my credit card to keep myself busy going to the movies or going downtown with any friends if possible to get away. To do something different. My good friend who lives in the same city was able to come over yesterday to help me put up and decorate my Christmas tree. She came over for about half an hour to eat and talk so I wasn't alone all day today too. She worked all day the hospital and she came over anyways. We're talking about a sleep over Christmas Eve. 

Its been hard and I know its impossible to finish my fan fiction I had planned for Christmas. So many things got in the way and then memories killed the spirit almost completely. Its been a difficult year and I hope next year will be better and much easier.

Comments

[mscatmoon.livejournal.com]

I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I remember how horrible my first Xmas without my mother was. Well, I was sick as a dog with the flu, which actually helped some because I was too sick to care about much. I really lost interest in celebrating after that. Like you, things are strained with my relatives. Friends spread all over the U.S. I know you feel alone, even though you do have friends around to hang with. That kind of lonliness is on the *inside* and no amount of people can take it away. I'm guessing you were especially close to your mom. I always said mine was the only person who ever really loved me. But it does get easier. This is my 3rd Xmas without her now. For the first time I was actually in the mood to do a little enjoying, but all the drama with my roommate squelched that. Yeah, I know about roommates making it harder! Too bad they can't have just an ounce of sensitivity, but I guess it's all about *them*. Tonight I'm just gonna hang out in my room and watch some Moonlight eps, maybe write some (it's my way of escape). Tomorrow, Xmas, I'll be working. We get the day before the holiday off. I'm not really feeling too sad this year though. More disappointed I didn't get to do the things I wanted to. Heck, I was too stressed to get cards sent out!
If you ever need or want to talk to someone who's gone through that same loss, I'm here. I can give you my email address, if you want, just let me know, or you can drop me a private message through lj, I think.

[nova-myth.livejournal.com]

I think that would be cool. I just now getting around to everything, but I'll be going out of town in two days as it is and I'm not sure if I look forward to it at all. My uncle is trying to mend bridges you can say. I never really got a along with him before my mom... and well he made things worse and I still have a lot of anger at what he did and tried to do. Its so compicated it would take me several days to type it all out and several thousand words. He's trying though, he's going to spend well over a $1,000 on this trip just for a few days. He's trying... so I'm gonna try too. But if he dares to bring up a few thing and won't leave them be, ugh, I'm finding a motel 6 and stick out there till the return flight. I hope you get better soon. I won't have net while I'm gone, the cabin doesn't have internet and I have no idea what reception I'll get phone wise, my carry as been giving me trouble. When I get back on the 1st I'd love to chat.

[mscatmoon.livejournal.com]

Have a good, safe trip, and a Happy New Year.